And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.
"When Great Trees Fall"
**I understand how selfish and pathetic this is all going to sound, but I really just have to spill my guts here, so fuck off.**
It’s never been this hard before.
It’s been seven months, and your absence hurts the same today as the day of our parting.
I’ve been hurt by many people in my life, but nothing has come close to the pain of your leaving.The void you have left in my life is simply incomparable to anything that could have ever assailed me. In the short time we knew one another, you came to know me in a way that few people do. Regardless of my efforts to remain busy, I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, and, not to be melodramatic, but I truly fear that I will forever remain a broken husk of my former self without you.
I haven’t met many women who have challenged me and still found me attractive. It is probably true that I need people to challenge me on my bullshit regularly; I know I can be somewhat of an ass about certain things, but I like to think that I usually come around in the end. I absolutely loved that you never put up with my shit; anytime you disagreed me with me about something, you were upfront about it and in my fucking face. And I absolutely adored that about you. I love that you are utterly untamed in certain respects, and never intend on being otherwise. You’re never afraid to speak your mind, you’re always ready for a battle, and you’re always a fierce opponent. An intellectual crusader, to be sure - and that is perhaps the thing that I loved most about you.
And for the first time in my life, I felt my heart sing.
Like, really. fucking. sing…
And I felt that no matter what the fuck happened, everything would be alright, because I was in the company of a goddess.
And there certainly were trials and tribulations along the way. The shit we slogged through is particular to MAPH, and no one leaves unchanged. Not to mention all the non-MAPH bullshit…
But through all the suffering imposed upon us, you became one of my rocks - where before I was so insistent on self-reliance and independence, I came to lean on you. Where others would have given up, what with my stubborn and (sometimes) aggressive demeanor, you somehow endured. You consistently gave me the benefit of the doubt, and had kind words at the ready. And in doing so, you broke through barriers that I hadn’t even known that I’d erected. You brought a vibrancy - a tenacity - to my life that I had never known. I’d fallen for girls before; but this was a whole other fucking level.
And I haven’t been the same person since you left. I’ve grieved before; I’ve felt loss. But nothing has made me feel as barren and empty as your departure. You made me want to be better, to try harder. You brought out the best in me, and I wanted to do the same for you. You made me feel unworthy for just having met you, and to have shared so much time with you. My grey-eyed goddess incarnate - your absence has left a deep hollow that nothing has come close to filling since.
And before you start thinking that I’m idealizing you or whatever, I want to be clear that I remember everything. I’m not so petty as to hold any of that against you, but I certainly wasn’t the only one making apologies now and again. I remember our bickering, and I remember our differences; I remember your own obstinacy and stubbornness.
I remember your coldness.
But I also remember your warmth.
And no matter what, we were always honest with each other; blatant and tactless sometimes, but we made sure everything was out in the open. Not only did we surpass such bullshit, but we never stayed irritated at one another for very long. And it was fucking beautiful.
What hurts the most is that you never let me love you fully. You knew you were leaving at the end of the year, and wouldn’t allow me to get close to performing boyfriend-ly kind of shit. I get why you did that, but I actually kind of resent it.
I’ve thought of you every day since you left and, I’m not going to lie, it fucking sucks. My experience with you is intimately tied to my experience here in Chicago, and there isn’t a goddamn day where something in this place doesn’t remind me of you. Whether I’m walking to class or playing video games, ordering from GrubHub or fucking Facebook asking me if I’d like to join an Alma Gender Studies group a couple weeks ago…And now I’m losing sleep and shit because I’m haunted by wondering where you are, and what you’re up to; by lamenting what I could have done differently; by thoughts of what could have been. And I’ve felt like I’m losing my shit because of it. It’s probably the case. I’ve never felt so…uprooted? Disconnected? Lost?
I try to remind myself that it must be the case that other women like you exist - but I don’t want them. I know what I like, and I’ve seen all I need.
And I know that it isn’t possible, but I don’t know how to stop loving you.
Every goddamn day since you left has been a trial.
I’m not kidding.
I know that I can’t be with you, and yet I feel as though I can’t live without you. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that way about another human being…I’ve accepted that the Fates will take many things from me in my life, but I still can’t seem to accept that I have to lose you. I don’t know why I can’t just get a fucking grip…
And because of this, I’m afraid that I’ll forever be broken upon your will. You’re utterly unlike anyone else I’ve ever met, and I love you more than I’ve loved anything in this life. I yearn to be with you again more than anything. And my inability to destroy these feelings and move on is taking its toll.
Was it all an illusion?
Was it never actually real?
Did you never feel that we would have been amazing together?
Where I saw a potential partner, did you only see a good friend?
I’ll allow for the possibility that I’ve been off the deep-end about this shit for some time now…but I don’t think so.
I think you felt it too, if only briefly.
And I know you have to do your own thing; I understand and respect that.
But I can’t help but hope that someday you’ll come back to me…
I deeply resent the fact that so many of my friends are willing to trash talk a host of ridiculous people (who, by all accounts, deserve such criticism), and yet they have not a word of criticism directed towards their own paragons or exemplars when they misbehave.
I was taught long ago that the world obeys a set a set of rules which is opposed to the attainment of most people’s hopes, dreams, and desires; and, because of this, we should expect that life will frustrate our expectations. But it is a considerable difficulty to bear some of the things the world throws at you when you accept on some fundamental that humans, despite all of the wonderful and amazing things we can accomplish, are broken creatures - constantly failing to live up even to their own ideals and expectations (let alone those that others impose upon them).
We’re so often in a position to do the right thing, or to do some good, and, for various, innumerable reasons, we fail to do so.
We’re capable of doing incredible things, and yet we settle for mediocrity and the status quo.
We listen to people who tell us that something is impossible.
But it would be folly to expect broken creatures to act unbroken, no? It would be absurd to expect a broken pot to work just as well as an unbroken pot when cooking; why should be it be any different with respect to creatures such as ourselves?
I guess I just lament the fact that we could be better…
1) The world only cares about what it can get out of you - so make sure the things you produce are badass.
2) Success largely hangs on remaining motivated and refraining from being bitter; the former gets shit done, the latter sits around and mopes.
3) What you do doesn’t have to make lots of money, but it does have to benefit people - no one gives a shit about stuff that doesn’t.
4) You hate yourself because you don’t do anything about it. Period.
5) What you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do.
6) Everything within you will resist genuine improvement.
Dear Mr. Kerry,
Let me begin by stating that I am one of your most ardent opposition on the question of whether the US should commit itself to further military engagement in the Syrian conflict. While I have never been your biggest fan, as we disagree on a number of fundamental issues, I have never consciously disliked you until now. The reason for this is that the method and tactics you have adopted and employed in trying to sell war in Syria to the American people is entirely too similar to the rhetoric we heard out of Bush a decade ago.
Don’t fret, though; I have no intention of trying to skewer what you have said, or your position on this matter. Instead, I’m actually here to help you. You want to know how you can sell this war to the American public? I’ll tell you…
1) Quit the hyperbole/war-mongering rhetoric – we heard almost the exact same shit out of Bush when it came to Iraq, and given what happened there, how could you possibly become irritated when we express doubt or hesitation over the things you’re telling us? From the vantage point of the average American, here we are, soon to become involved in yet another Middle Eastern country with no clear connection to protecting our interests here at home. And it’s mostly being sold to us on the fear that these weapons may fall into the wrong hands, and come back to bite us in the ass. Sound familiar? We can’t wait for the smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud? At this point, I hold that bombing Syria, rather than doing nothing, will be worse for us in the long run.
2) Come up with an actual plan instead of selling on this vague “limited strike”-bullshit – After everything we’ve seen with Bush and Obama, talk is cheap. The truth of it is that I don’t trust you, or anyone else in your administration for that matter. Moreover, you keep promising that we won’t have boots on the ground, but the fact of that matter is that you can’t guarantee that. You don’t know whether you can deliver on *any* of your promises. You yourself were against the Vietnam War, and rightly so. Don’t you remember the Gulf of Tonkin resolution? I’m sure the horrors that were inflicted thereafter were intended. Again, don’t try to sell us on vagueries; come up with actual objectives for our military, so a decisive end can be brought to the conflict if we become involved. But we should only become involved if and only if we.
3) GET UN APPROVAL – If we become militarily involved in the conflict in Syria without UN approval, it is, in no uncertain terms, a WAR CRIME. The four conditions for military intervention and force without UN approval are: (1) to defend yourself from actors who are attacking you, or (2) to defend yourself from actors who are about to attack you; (3) to come to the aid of an ally who is being attacked, or (3) to oppose a regime that has violated international norms after having received authorization of force from the UN. Without UN approval, becoming militarily involved in Syria is patently ILLEGAL under international law.
4) Let the UN come up with its own assessment – There are innumerable conflicting reports as to who used chemical weapons, how many people were killed, etc. If you want to show that you’re different from the people you so have criticized on the other side of the aisle, then you need to chill. I know you think it is important that we respond quickly, and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that your heart is in the right place, but seriously, chill the fuck out. Let’s first figure out what we’re dealing with here, instead of assuming perfect knowledge. Heed the advice of Colin Powell, who has stated that his mistake about WMDs in Iraq is a blight on his career.
If you want the American people to feel better about this war, help assuage their doubts. You keep telling us that Syria won’t turn into another Iraq. Why don’t you prove it instead?
And I’m just like,