**I understand how selfish and pathetic this is all going to sound, but I really just have to spill my guts here, so fuck off.**
It’s never been this hard before.
It’s been seven months, and your absence hurts the same today as the day of our parting.
I’ve been hurt by many people in my life, but nothing has come close to the pain of your leaving.The void you have left in my life is simply incomparable to anything that could have ever assailed me. In the short time we knew one another, you came to know me in a way that few people do. Regardless of my efforts to remain busy, I can’t seem to stop thinking about you, and, not to be melodramatic, but I truly fear that I will forever remain a broken husk of my former self without you.
I haven’t met many women who have challenged me and still found me attractive. It is probably true that I need people to challenge me on my bullshit regularly; I know I can be somewhat of an ass about certain things, but I like to think that I usually come around in the end. I absolutely loved that you never put up with my shit; anytime you disagreed me with me about something, you were upfront about it and in my fucking face. And I absolutely adored that about you. I love that you are utterly untamed in certain respects, and never intend on being otherwise. You’re never afraid to speak your mind, you’re always ready for a battle, and you’re always a fierce opponent. An intellectual crusader, to be sure - and that is perhaps the thing that I loved most about you.
And for the first time in my life, I felt my heart sing.
Like, really. fucking. sing…
And I felt that no matter what the fuck happened, everything would be alright, because I was in the company of a goddess.
And there certainly were trials and tribulations along the way. The shit we slogged through is particular to MAPH, and no one leaves unchanged. Not to mention all the non-MAPH bullshit…
But through all the suffering imposed upon us, you became one of my rocks - where before I was so insistent on self-reliance and independence, I came to lean on you. Where others would have given up, what with my stubborn and (sometimes) aggressive demeanor, you somehow endured. You consistently gave me the benefit of the doubt, and had kind words at the ready. And in doing so, you broke through barriers that I hadn’t even known that I’d erected. You brought a vibrancy - a tenacity - to my life that I had never known. I’d fallen for girls before; but this was a whole other fucking level.
And I haven’t been the same person since you left. I’ve grieved before; I’ve felt loss. But nothing has made me feel as barren and empty as your departure. You made me want to be better, to try harder. You brought out the best in me, and I wanted to do the same for you. You made me feel unworthy for just having met you, and to have shared so much time with you. My grey-eyed goddess incarnate - your absence has left a deep hollow that nothing has come close to filling since.
And before you start thinking that I’m idealizing you or whatever, I want to be clear that I remember everything. I’m not so petty as to hold any of that against you, but I certainly wasn’t the only one making apologies now and again. I remember our bickering, and I remember our differences; I remember your own obstinacy and stubbornness.
I remember your coldness.
But I also remember your warmth.
And no matter what, we were always honest with each other; blatant and tactless sometimes, but we made sure everything was out in the open. Not only did we surpass such bullshit, but we never stayed irritated at one another for very long. And it was fucking beautiful.
What hurts the most is that you never let me love you fully. You knew you were leaving at the end of the year, and wouldn’t allow me to get close to performing boyfriend-ly kind of shit. I get why you did that, but I actually kind of resent it.
I’ve thought of you every day since you left and, I’m not going to lie, it fucking sucks. My experience with you is intimately tied to my experience here in Chicago, and there isn’t a goddamn day where something in this place doesn’t remind me of you. Whether I’m walking to class or playing video games, ordering from GrubHub or fucking Facebook asking me if I’d like to join an Alma Gender Studies group a couple weeks ago…And now I’m losing sleep and shit because I’m haunted by wondering where you are, and what you’re up to; by lamenting what I could have done differently; by thoughts of what could have been. And I’ve felt like I’m losing my shit because of it. It’s probably the case. I’ve never felt so…uprooted? Disconnected? Lost?
I try to remind myself that it must be the case that other women like you exist - but I don’t want them. I know what I like, and I’ve seen all I need.
And I know that it isn’t possible, but I don’t know how to stop loving you.
Every goddamn day since you left has been a trial.
I’m not kidding.
I know that I can’t be with you, and yet I feel as though I can’t live without you. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that way about another human being…I’ve accepted that the Fates will take many things from me in my life, but I still can’t seem to accept that I have to lose you. I don’t know why I can’t just get a fucking grip…
And because of this, I’m afraid that I’ll forever be broken upon your will. You’re utterly unlike anyone else I’ve ever met, and I love you more than I’ve loved anything in this life. I yearn to be with you again more than anything. And my inability to destroy these feelings and move on is taking its toll.
Was it all an illusion?
Was it never actually real?
Did you never feel that we would have been amazing together?
Where I saw a potential partner, did you only see a good friend?
I’ll allow for the possibility that I’ve been off the deep-end about this shit for some time now…but I don’t think so.
I think you felt it too, if only briefly.
And I know you have to do your own thing; I understand and respect that.
But I can’t help but hope that someday you’ll come back to me…